1. |
Misanthropic Dent
09:53
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“Please serenade me with your plethora of discontent”
Moans the hellish void
“Expunge yours depths and mind as you would semen
Write it onto me, child.”
I’m suffocating
In this vague oppressive fog
Human inhuman capabilities
Awakened by a need for a specific idea of what the real God is
It’s you, I know
I’ll forfeit my rebellion into your bosom
I’m sprinting as fast as I can in this hall of millions
I believe in vain I’m being chased
A hand reaches to my shoulder and holds tight
Suddenly my vision dashes to a blur
The only words to emit from their clutches
“Remember when you ruined everything? Your hubris is absurd”
Find yourself, stroke the shaft of the blade
This floating landscape equal to ocean and space
Group together the endless leather - skin pulls fast as sound
Skeletal book burning taking place six feet underground
Magnificent whores my ribs will become
To the Jesus there may be if I can find him
If I kill me
I am not a person
This is not personal nor respect
I am an item
I am a f****t
I am perishing like a vegetable
Dead already
Burning red like an erection
If I kill me
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2. |
Hedonic Treadmill
04:08
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I run across the hedonic treadmill every day
Life’s graph has gone horizontal, lateral plane
Every birthday I see no change
Monotony is the worst of all headaches
Is this really all there is to be?
A worker, then a man, then reluctantly me
I can’t remember a time when I didn’t wish for some alternative
This can’t be the life I was promised looking into the sunset
And if there is a God, can he put me elsewhere and try again?
Or at least help me forget and crucify who I am
Is this really all there is to be?
A worker, then a man, then reluctantly me
Is this really all there is to be?
A worker, then a man, then reluctantly me
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3. |
Dust & Moonlight
07:35
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I can’t sleep
I only know regret
I could never tell you
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry
All I know is I’ve failed
I can’t sleep
Just try not to think about it for the night
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4. |
Androgynous Non-Anthem
04:19
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I fear
I see something out of the corner of my eye
Some outer blood, inner flesh creature
I fear it hurts me - I pray it takes me
This entire blessed existence
Is nothing but a blip in the vast distance
I am a moment in inevitably forgotten history
I guess all of us are as well
Fuck, man, I’m sorry
I just can’t seem to think straight
Really, man, I’m sorry
I just can’t seem to think straight
Is this my quirky form of masculinity?
I never really thought of it that way exactly
Allow me to indulge in a fantasy
Where everything all at once envelops me
Don’t get me started on this blockbuster cliche
Which this grand revelation regarding my say
In my supposed everything and in my taste
Man, I really still can’t figure it out
Fuck, man, I’m sorry
I still don’t know quite yet
Really, man, I’m sorry
I just don’t really know quite yet
I don’t really think about the future
I think about dying more
I’ve already spent all those centuries not existing yet
But before I go
I just need to know
If there ever was this thing
Which of the concepts were it?
Fuck, man, I’m sorry
I know you can’t tolerate indecisiveness
Fuck, man, I’m sorry
I know I’m disappointing you
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5. |
Kaua’i ō’ō
04:28
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6. |
Skíðblaðnir
08:37
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If I die someday
And I know I will
I hope I’m forgotten
Like I was never there
There’s a beauty in (this world God has built)
Losing oneself within (was not built for man)
Your own urges (a being made only for sex)
To cut into your own skin (which craves empty sin)
I can’t tell the difference (this world is not for me)
Between life and death (this world is not for me)
Either ends in the Earth (this world is not for me)
And lasts only in the heads (this world is not for me)
Of devils (this world is not for me)
Entranced by a calamity amalgamation
Of human flesh and fluid
Of all the prior myselves
I’d have no problem killing
Alongside the current form
The Theseus statement
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7. |
||||
Outside my window I saw two people hugging
It lasted a long time and you could tell it was goodbye for quite a while
I found it quite beautiful and pondered whether this was their indoctrination
Into love, loss, and grief
Losing something lovely yet brief
This indoctrination theory I’ve been pondering
Whilst the newfangled valley of flesh surrounds me
It’s such a small thing
You can’t make sense of it
But I wonder what she meant when it was in that tone she said,
“Oh you”
“Oh you”
I miss laughing that much
I miss being so sure
Though what am I missing?
What am I nostalgic for?
To see the surface or face the facts; the two sides of my mind
I often choose to fuck myself blind
God, to return to that ignorance except far less mean
And pretend everyone loves me for their perception of me
Isolation causes naturally the mind to wander
A frailty so deep it dilutes man to machine
And deepens the connection the soul has to the cock
The amount of info at my tips knows no mercy nor how to stop
I do everything with only myself in mind
And yet I’m never pleased with the result I find
I beg and plead for some new ambition or being
But fear ever leaving
These tears aren’t mine I promise you my dear
I carry them for two when my dents are conceived
This indoctrination theory I wonder to myself
Is this entire being singular without help?
I remember a past boy with ambitions so naive
And yet I have to commend his sincerity
Suddenly I launched myself into this pile
Or should I say I kept myself from seeing it at all?
I’ve hit a wall
I’ve hit a wall
The past is nothing but a black purgatory
A blank canvas for me to paint
My ideal life and who I wish I was
Romanticizing a dead boy from long ago
Perhaps all these memories are just me lying to myself with hyperbole
Perhaps this indoctrination theory is nothing but a scapegoat to explain why I’m unhappy with myself
How should I explain this indoctrination theory?
A singular moment in which you are conceived
Your entire life and the person you become
Is based around in that moment your decision
And I guess in my moment I didn’t even react
For my indoctrination seems to be into nothing
I’d say that’s how I feel however
As I play these I notes I feel the aforementioned swell
One could consider it massively overwhelming
A mass catharsis orgasmic and surreal
Consider that the birth of Ben as Lanternfly
Naming myself after an invasive species seems to clarify
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8. |
Cell Suicide Ballad
05:33
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Now it’s all just faint distance
I can’t ever feel that again
I can picture the image of it
But that blind, romantic child is long dead
Goddamn these newly ingrown cells
They’ve killed this promising young child
And birthed me
A suicidal cycle
I close my eyes
At the edge of my bed
This action completed at a biblical scale
I’ll be free
And I’ll never feel alone again
If I could one day speak to this dead boy
And tell him,
“I miss you, I miss you, I miss you”
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Lanternfly New Jersey
New Jersey based experimental artist
Any pronouns
"The Indoctrination Into Nothing" 11/24/23
"A Lack of Air" 5/10/24
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